Ensemble

One Question...

2009-12-31T11:32:00.002+05:30

This was penned sometime back, and saved in My Documents...Found it while I was cleaning up my system of all the junk that had accumulated for a year...

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I am in a new role...Gone past are the discussions, interviews, negotiations...I was never tensed, because I was happy in the previous role as well...The new role was a new oppurtunity I had come across in my organisation which I felt suited me and would benefit me in the long run...Thinking back on to that interview for the role...

A simple question...
Asked to a person whose major area of work has been SQL...
In mind, technically I was a SQL person...
I could talk people through my mind, and make them think in affirmative...
I had a lot of confidence in how I presented myself...
All the good reasons to qualify for this role was on my side...

But then a simple question...
A simple SQL question...
I knew it, it sounded very known and familiar...
But at the apt moment I couldn't recollect...
It was simply there, refusing to refresh into the fresh pages of my memory...

A trigger to thoughts...
A breeze of humility...
Far more attentivity and care in answering questions...
Left the "I am perfect" attitude...
Adopted an anyday better "I have lots to learn" attitude...

What a change, I really do sound better in the answers given...
I feel the glow of faith within me, that he will guide me through this...
I feel great from within, no pretensions, no effort to create impression...
I get a taste of my truthful self...

It is surprising how we get carried away by situations at times, feel a little over-confident and that shows out as a little arrogant and high-handed behaviour.
But with all the keys from a middle class restricted upbringing and my own conscience, thankfully I got over that momentary arrogant phase that gained an upper hand in a interview.

It is surprising how a question put forth, put me straight to the right slot as a humble being.

Ohoho..Look at this!

2009-12-29T22:26:00.002+05:30

Attempting a new look for Ensemble...[:D]
And recording it with this small entry...

An year to remember...

2009-12-28T22:03:00.004+05:30

2009 has seen me very little as a blogger...i was not able to come to my self as a blogger who loved describing the smallest events in life, the person who saw a story in normal things, a sentiment in small incidents...but then, when 2009 winds to a close and i look back, it is yet another year to remember...

2008 would be an unforgettable year for me, for the grand entry Keshav made into my life..2009 would be remembered because i have matured as a mother...i have taken maternity in my stride..i have rekindled the person in me who was getting lost in hustle and bustle of maternity..i have rediscovered the youth in thoughts...and am trying to get the mother in me travel alongside the daughter, wife, sister and friend...

hope that i can reflect on myself through last year in the few days that remain of 2009...even if it all doesn't get reflected on Ensemble, there are a lot of thoughts coursing through mind...

the beautiful start to this year with the long drive to Kerala..the distance we spanned in people through Palghat, Kochi and Alleppey is one of the best treks we had, and will always be cherished for a dear friend who gave us company through the journey, and through whom we discovered the buoyancy of spirits and elevation that a genuine enthusiast can lend...Thanks Vandy, you always hold a special place in my heart...

One of my biggest dreams was to drive a car on my own...As you know, driving licenses seldom point to actual drivers...in late 2008, i started my tryst with driving again, under Sandettan's watchful eyes...And 2009 took Sandettan away to Mysore on work, and thus started my bon voyage through Bangalore...I drove up through blunders and mistakes, to make the confident driver of today..It was another feather in the armour for me, i truly cherish the self reliance and independence driving gave me...also, i remember the best moments when i drove out with Keshav all buckled up in the car seat playing the song we loved and sweet talking..

2009 saw a long span of separation from Sandettan, as he left to Mysore on work..i saw recession in close quarters..i realised the strength friends and relatives can give through tough times..i can remember a few friends who took my cause as they would take their personal stuff, my eyes are misty in those thoughts..but most of all, when we stayed apart i saw how happy and full our life together had been..we were chasing our silly worries when life was at the most wholesome for us with our togetherness...

two months in the beautiful city of Melbourne, a role change that took me there..it was a welcome break from stress of staying away from Sandettan, for a very worked up one and a half years as a mother...me and Keshav took our respective dividends, he with a wonderful time spent with his grandparents which has left him smarter, curious and talkative..And me with some time to chill out, reorganise myself and get back recharged...

2009 for the first time in life when i look at myself and felt conscious about weight gain...for the diet control, systematic yoga and gym combination that i am trying to stick on to...for giving myself more time to look within and to look good..

that is a lot 2009, and my kitty of resolutions for 2010 is already full...

Fair and Unfair

2009-08-07T08:50:00.001+05:30

Patty, you have touched me...In a soft spot which I didn't quite realise existed...

For a moment I felt fortunate...Even when I felt unsure, my career was safe and stable...At every level, I have yearned for more...I have wanted to grow...I have grown frustrated at time...Wanted stuff to work out faster...Wanted all the good things to blossom together in my career...But all that while, my career was safe...It was progressing smoothly...I was growing faster than peers...

On the personal front, I am settled...I have a home, kid, all comforts and above all a loving husband and family...I have my flexibility at work...I am sure of myself...I drive around and find my own way...I treasure my independence and self reliance, together with it I treasure the feeling of being a precious possession for my people...

I cannot imagine losing the job and being thrown out to the recession hit IT world...Have been settled for a long time, so can't quite imagine the woes of mind a person unsettled in work and home fronts might encounter...I smile when I am happy, and I am happy most of the time coz I have all fair reasons on my side...So can't quite imagine how difficult it is to smile with all concerns and apprehensions within...

And I ponder how magical the equation of fair and unfair is....

Again a moving phase...

2009-08-06T11:26:00.000+05:30

Again a moving phase...

2.5 years in one team and now moved to another...

Opputunities beckon me, they tell me "Sieze the mantle"...

I am a little confused, I am not on comfortable grounds, I am with unknown people, I am standing before my current job which looms over unknown horizons....

I struggle to understand the scope, the magnitude, the impact...

I try to measure benefits, assess team mates, judge behaviours...

I feel it is OK even if I don't fit in...

Would I gain over the work and people? Would I excel? Would I make a name for myself? Would I...

Do I seem silly to the people? Do my questions suit context and have relevance?

Will I set in and see career paths leading me to newer heights from the current level?

I am trying to fight the inertia. The static inertia I had gained with long time in a role. The static inertia that makes new people seem distant and strange. I am trying to get into a state of motion and volatility and change.

Wish me Good Luck :D

Present

2009-07-03T08:09:00.003+05:30

Just a few words typed for a friend on a communicator window seemed to have comforted her from some known and some unknown fears...If it has comforted VR, the bestest of my chums @ work, then it ought to be on ensemble at least as a memoir to our friendship....

Keshav has a tendency to try and hold the flame of the lighted lamp...We generally light lamps in the evening...I scold and shout and all just to prevent him from getting his fingers burnt...But one day it slipped my notice and he held the flame and his fingers got lil burnt...I thought as I comforted him, "Good, at least he will remember the pain and not do it again"...

But then the next day, when I lighted the lamp he gave the same sincere hearted effort again...He is not remembering the past, so he has no judgements...the future, the burn, the pain, the scars don't bother him...it is the present that is fascinating him...in all glow and colour and brightness...it is alluring him and casting its aura on him...it is calling him to take the step that is marked by innocence, curiosity, and pure delight for all in sight and sound...becoz "he is always living in the present"...."present moment is inevitable"...

Few minutes of thought...

2008-11-29T17:30:00.001+05:30

I am a pretty lucky girl...Inherited good parents, loving relatives and a "not bad" family set up...Did well at school, had plenty of friends, was a friend whom pals treasured and the not-so-known-people wished to be close to, got the love and blessings of teachers...Blessed enough to get good marks and good competitive exam ranks...Studied in old and famous college...Made name there...Pretty sure have positively affected the lives of many...Very sure there are quite some people who will feel indebted to me , for small gestures though...A good number who admire me and wish all the good in the world come to me...A still greater number who think of me with warmth...Got a good life partner...Spent our own lovely time together after marriage...Got settled in the true sense...Blessed with the joy of a son...

Thank you! I feel truly honoured.

This infact puts a lot of things into perspective...There are lots more to look ahead...A few sad things, hope they don't distract the overwhelming optimism with which I am trying to look at life...

Converge my energies, my gift of words, the warmth of my thoughts, the practicality of my vision, the rationale of my action, my mind, my soul, my conscience...hopefully I shape up to a plum and mature woman...

2008-11-16T11:09:00.002+05:30

This is my silence; it seems like a loud point made…
It is a broken wall, but I feel I am not responsible for mending it…
A silent stroke, but agony is written over it …
Withered petals, drooped leaves, and a single tear that shines on my cheek…

Questions, ward off from my inquisitive mind…
Concerns, drain off from my flooded thoughts…
Agony, don’t prick me any longer…
Vengeance, I don’t want to pay any coin back….

Surging waves, splash and take off all that I want to forget…
Soothing breeze, kiss the broken area of my heart…
Keshav’s smile, embalm my spirits…
God’s hand, touch upon my soul…

Faith, help me endure struggles…
Prayer, ring the divine in my ears…
Hope, help me see the brighter side of life…
Love, understand the ones for whom it pains more than me…!

Mixed feelings

2008-07-16T13:02:00.011+05:30

These thought trains are captured in the gap of an hour...

Dear Woe, Tell me, why do you follow me?
Haven't I been optimistic enough?
Haven't I struggled and achieved things that all thought I would never even attempt?
Haven't I "exceeded expectations and set new benchmarks"?

But still it seems that pranks are always played on me...
The smart Reshmi is always the one whose heart is going to be targeted, hit and broken...
Why did I take up so much responsibility (and that too willingly!)?
Why couldn't I be a little selfish?
Why do I ask myself all these "whys" after things flop big time?
Why do I always justify everyone else and find that finger needs to be pointed always @ me? (every time!)

I am only 25 years. Am I more mature than my age?
Am I capable of doing more than my peers?
Does being a wife and mother mean that I am a daughter any longer?

Why times change?
Why distress comes?
Why anger and revenge?
Why meanness?

Why not gratitude?
Why not regard and respect?
Why not understanding?

Sentiment is a stupid cloud that is hovering over my head now. I thought a rain of tears would do me fine. But then I forgot that this is monsoon, and "Sentiment" clouds are spreading on the sky after every rain.

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Dear Little Buds, you have blossomed. Its no longer your safe zone on the stem, nourished by the parent plant. This is your test for you are going to be a part of a bouquet. Be fresh and smart so that you make way to the finest and rarest of bouquets. You have got it in you to make a mark and secure your place and identity on the bouquet. The bouquet has to be valued and remembered for you.

I quote " Go kiss the world. Good luck and Godspeed."

The happy smiley is addressed to Punnan and Kunju as they step out to their next moves.

Back...!

2008-06-28T17:04:00.006+05:30

It has been reaaaaalllly long time. I wonder where my expression went - It was one of the most happy and happening times in my life, but somehow I could not make time and space to capture all those to words.

Well pals (I am wondering if there is really any of you who still browse thru to find out if I have posted something!), I am back. I cannot say "back with a bang". "Bang" and Reshmi don't come together now coz Reshmi is now the proud mother of Keshav (3 months) and mothers and "bang" are ols enemies. So thatz the latest from my end. Nowadays I find my expression in the lullabies I create on a daily basis and the new chweet, slimy language in which I talk to Keshu.

Lots to write about - from Keshu to Salomi (our most recent domestic help) to the nameless young boy gardeners who spread blossoms on Sarjapur Road. Probably the best character to narrate about will be myself considering the drastic transition motherhood has brought to my feelings..

This is just a preface, will be back on this page with more...!

Home is where the heart is…

2007-06-06T17:40:00.000+05:30

From the time I joined Mar Athanasius College of Engg for my B Tech, life has always been away from home and more so from the time I left for job. I have longed for home, the food, the plush sofas, the curtains, the sunlight that fell in thru the windows, the cots, the bathrooms, the smell, the greenery that greeted me thru the windows. I found it difficult to accept hostels and PGs, in spite of all the fun they gave, it was never home! Home is that cosy comfort that you feel, that sense of belonging, it’s about growing and associating your memories to a structure in brick, wood and mortar, it’s about the bond you build with a physical structure, the pains with which you clean, decorate and renovate it from time to time.

For many of us in our journey of life, home is a milestone, a landmark which all of us dream of. It is our resort after work, a calm place, a place where we want divinity and grace to be filled. It is a dream to build a house and make it a cosy home for your kids to play and grow.

I have my own home dreams...dreams of dusting my furniture… Of the containers arranged on the kitchen racks… Of the wonderful dishes kept in covered vessels… Of the book shelf, lined with the books and magazines…The framed Wedding and Reception snap capturing our best moments… Birthday cards from Punnan... The painting of the lovely Krishna, with a flute lost away in thought... The smooth and lacy curtains... The beds with soft designed bed sheets…The sunlight that streams in thru the French windows…The curtains dancing in the breeze and images cast by sunlight…

Thus, as Man and Wife, we had begun our search for home. In the vast and ever-expanding Bangalore, we had our heartbreaks seeing the prices, the Marketing guys frustrated us, we strained ourselves to find hidden costs and motives, and we swore to ourselves that we’ll never ever look for a home in Bangalore. To hide our home searching disasters, we blabbered about what a worse city Bangalore is, searched for alternate options in Kochi. After walking thru construction sites on weekends, tired and desperate, many a times we broke down emotionally. We calculated our funds again and again. We reasoned and argued. We prayed…

And finally we saw a house that would soon be ours. We saw hope, that carried us thru Bank Loan deliberations and Registration. And finally brought us to the d-day wherein we appeased the Gods and moved in to our new home, happy and contented. It was after all just a 6 month of search and wait for us, we thanked God for making it happen so soon and for having our parents around who helped and supported us.

We are in our new house, and on a new voyage of associating memories to this man-made structure. It is so much a part of our dreams and in future would very much be part of our memories. God bless!

The Venice Of The East

2007-05-19T21:30:00.000+05:30

People say you are in your first year of marriage, young, no commitments, both have jobs, living together in Bangalore - so everyday should be a picnic, a holiday :) Well, it more or less is, more so on the weekends when we have the whole day and no work. It is a picnic in mind space, but then cooking, shopping, washing, cleaning, moping just don't make it a picnic in any real sense. Initially like every new couple with a married tag, we made an unending list of places to visit, innumerable ways to spend our weekends, but somehow slowly the weekend chores have taken precedence. I have moved on at work space also, and when after 5 days of IT Support, Saturday - Sunday is for a peaceful time at home cleaning up everything that has accumulated from 5 days at work.

So it was rather a surprise when during our latest trip home, there came this chance for a boating trip in Alappuzha. My native in Alappuzha, a place called Haripad. But then Alappuzha had been one place which came on our way to Haripad, and a place about which the people in my office kept enquiring. There ended all my connection to Alappuzha until I formed a new one.

What waited for us there was not just heat and humidity, but waterways with either side laden with greenery. People gazing from either bank when a motor boat and two people with cameras tried to capture what they felt was a normal day to day life. People who live a life close to nature, but then circumstances seldom allowing them to enjoy the nature which people from far and near come to capture in still and moving shots. Little children who waved, and chaps who whistled. Old people who appeared shaking their heads, probably thinking about what had become of their once calm and quite backwaters. Bold ones, young and old, who rowed their private valloms defying the currents sent by big motorised boats. Fleets of house boats which very much define the God's Own Country abroad. Coconut palms stretched in a never ending line which made us wonder where the end of the world is. Temples lined on the banks. Election banners occupying prominent spaces. Small cool bars selling coke and cigarettes.

That is Alappuzha as I saw it and the ripples that it passed through my mind. One thing unsaid might leave my impressions of this trip incomplete – the wonderful lunch we had at KTDC’s Yatri Nivas in Pallathuruthy– a homely Kerala meal accentuated by the wonderful tasting dishes, refreshing buttermilk, karimeen fry and chicken curry.

Unsaid and unapplauded my blog turned one on April 28th. I still remember that fateful day I started blogging and I am sure it was one of the best days of my life. Thanks to all of you out there, for all the encouragement and feedback.

Moving on...

2007-04-24T20:00:00.000+05:30

This draft was written 2 months back, in a very emotional situation..And I was searching for something to post on my blog and found this one. And trust me, it still makes emotions swell within me...

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I have moved out of my company. A place where I had planned to stick on for the rest of my life. A place where I had achieved. A place where I had carved a niche for myself. A place where I was known, accepted and appreciated. A place where I had stood up to critique systems and processes. A place where I had questioned practices. A place where I had made friends and became friend to many. A place where I had vouched that one day I would climb high up the ladders. A place where I had resolved that I would change the systems that I felt was outrageous. Still in a moment all that was overtaken with an all powerful feeling that I cannot define in words and I moved out!

I still remember my induction into IT industry in Hyderabad – how I stared wide-eyed at the people, the big stages and presentations. How I felt myself brimming with emotion when the PowerPoint’s flashed with the company values. How I had strained my ears to hear about the growth opportunities. How I had contemplated getting an onsite opportunity. How much I had seen myself in dreams and daydreams as a smart and achieving corporate.

But then time…the great factor time had taken me through to opportunities, disappointments, heartbreaks, heroism, and camaraderie. It had shown me that values are wonderful bits residing on papers and sites, you work your way around the values. It had given me an extension of college life. It had given me a happy-go-lucky fresher tag that I enjoyed. I got a chance to work with wonderful managers, people who polished my skills and attitudes, and influenced my outlook and behaviour. It also showed me that the world is not a place as green as it appears to be. There are a lot of “red people” who “stand out”! But then that is the way things are. Situations are not always plum and people are not always rosy. But then life is just about taking people and situations as they are and as they come.

I have met some wonderful people and had some wonderful insightful experiences, they stand out as lessons to guide and inspire me. I still remember how as a team, one careless dialogue from our side went to the verge of risking my manager’s job. But this great man, the most wonderful manager I have seen, came back to us and without scolding or losing his cool explained the situation and told us to be utmost careful while communicating. Even now when people praise me on the clarity and content I deliver thru my official communications, my mind just goes back to the tips given by this person. Every time I am bogged down by work pressure, I remember the moment I had broken down in front of him and his words of advice that very moment which shows me the path ahead.

I remember the heated discussions that we had with our clients on billing and service delivery, where I sat confused as to why the person with whom I always had the friendliest of conversations was so animated now? But then I was again in for surprise when the same person pinged me on chat and told me not to take offence of the mud throwing in the discussions and that personal relationships and friendship is all above business. I still cherish that moment.

I remember all my sweet friends who shared their cups and concerns. People with whom I went for coffees and lunches, the wonderful discussions we had, the insight that each of them gave me, the stories they shared which made me feel important, the way they reached out to me when I needed but pretended that I was fine. My training batch for being the best group, a much “unified in diversity” group that made my extended college life.

Time had shown me that mind is a wild horse which you would always have trouble controlling. It showed me that a human being and more so an ambitious one will always have problems when situations don’t move and offer terms of growth. It showed me that big decisions are taken in a moment. It showed me that a single event can turn your life and you to some decisions which you had never expected to take. It surprised me that I found justifications for quitting my company and also effectively communicated that to the people around me. It surprised me that my mind accustomed to my new decision and longed within for the change which was just a momentary decision.

Well so thatz the story. Quitting was tough, but then somewhere I got the courage to stand by my decision. Still I hold my company close to my heart and as my company! Probably I would for a long time… Pardon me for any spelling/grammatical mistakes guyz; I quite don’t have the mind to read thru this stuff. It is said once and for all!

Pothichoru

2007-02-07T19:05:00.000+05:30

The idea for this post sprouted in my mind during my return train journey from home in December. As usual, Amma had packed her routine Pothichoru for us. Taking account of Sandettan’s addition to my life, the amount of food had quadrupled. Thatz Amma’s style!

It is not the first time that I had carried Amma’s Pothichoru. I have vivid memories of the rice stuffed in that plantain leaf, of the melting taste of omelette, the tanginess of the ginger-tamarind chutney and the chicken or fish pieces of gastronomical delight (Sorry for killing English language!).

This unassuming green pouch has made way into the travel bags of all our relatives who have left our home on a train travel; it has joined my relatives travelling from Kayamkulam to Bhilai and Delhi at the Ernakulam Junction railway station. The wonderful meal contained inside never had the Paneer Butter Masala or Chettinad Chicken to boast about, it never had a glossy aluminium foil cover, it never had boxes to hold the side dishes. It almost always had the same menu of rice, egg omelette, ginger tamarind chammandi, and a piece or two of fish, chicken or a thoran, it always had the dull green plantain leaf holding it, and side dishes wrapped in smaller plantain leaves.

But the love and care with which it was prepared made this meal heavenly. The feelings that cooked into the meal translated to the wonderful taste which became a trademark. It bonded our people to Achan and Amma. It taught me all about being there for our relatives. It spoke and taught volumes about the family ties and family values. In this fast world, it taught me the simple joy of cooking a good meal, serving and sharing. And in the succeeding days and years, brought name and fame to Mani Chechi’s Pothichoru.

Sometime in between I felt a little hesitancy in carrying that traditional plantain pouch on my train journeys. But then, the moment I open that pouch, the smell that emanated out would engulf my thoughts and bring back that familiar longing for home. The unsophisticated ordinary little Pothichoru forever brings before my eyes innocent and unassuming affection. How fragile are external appearances – an old newspaper sheet covering a plantain leaf? The value is within coz that humble abode lodges the radiance of love, care and warmth.

Lessons from bitter moments

2006-12-05T12:45:00.000+05:30

I thought we were similar. See when I say similar, it is not looks, family, financial status or lifestyle that I think about. I say similar when our thoughts are similar, our ideas match, we have the same kind of viewpoint in most topics, we are able to relate to each other the way we talk. I really thought and still think that we are similar.

I tried to imbibe certain goodness from you to myself. I tried to put my feelings across to you. You gave me company and in tough times a lot of solace. Even though half of my problems and worries were an output of some silly nonsensical thoughts, you listened to my problems from across the seas. You made me feel important. I professed to your problems through mails and you found solutions to my worries. I thought we were close, as close as the times when we were together and we were two students with no worries. I thought we had failed to distinguish whether we were bound by friendship or sisterhood.

Your success amazed me. Your new endeavors thrilled me. I was content with my degree and job. Somewhere I felt I had lost that urge for more. I saw you scaling heights which I had one day planned of scaling. I was amazed at your determination and perseverance. I regarded you to extreme respect and questioned myself “Why I couldn’t be like you?”

My life took a new route and I conveyed my marriage news to you. But somewhere I was caught up in my own worries of married life. As usual I was caught in my self created web of doubts. I lost touch with you. I lost touch with my own need for friends.

Everything happened too suddenly for me. A new person became very much my own life. Little did I know that when my new life was getting built with loving moments, you had lost yours? I never realized the immense pain you went through. Everyday I prayed a line for the whole world, with my regular prayer. I never knew you were so much in need of a special prayer.

Did it ever occur to you that in a split second your very own life can take a sharp downslide turn and surprise you? You thought that this path had great goals and moments in the offering, but now you can just stare at the road ahead and try to decipher some vague inner meanings. You had put faith in immense goodness of mankind and in the kindness of God. But now you just wonder whether there is any justice in the world?

/******************************************************************************/

This is penned sometime back (2 months ago) in a moment of immense pain – a reaction to a close friend’s sad moment in life which I happened to share. Today at this juncture I’m really happy at the recovery that she has had. When I say recovery, I don’t give credit to time and nature. I give credit to her immense fighting spirit. I’m praying to God to help her see the greener roads ahead and the flowers that blossom on those roads.

It has been a realization to me in many ways. Showing me the uncertainty that life is, cautioning me about never to take people in my life for granted, and also a wonderful experience in seeing the marvelous process of the healing. Most importantly I started thinking of my own friends with a whole lot more of concern. Somewhere I sensed that I might not realize when and how they need me. I have always had them around when I needed them. Hope I can stand for them when they need me.

I suddenly had this urge to post this – the trigger again being a close friend's thoughts as expressed thru his blog here.

Shaping up...

2006-11-23T11:33:00.000+05:30

Almost 2 and half months into married life, I’m settled comfortably into a routine. I had never thought that I could handle the role of a homemaker, but I am managing quite OK as a homemaker cum working woman. It is hectic, but no less enjoyable. It is a great feeling when you share your life for someone (in my context, Sandettan my husband), when your priorities rate some else’s comfort also as a factor not just yours.

Over this small span of time, I noticed a lot of things about myself. I noticed gradually how I have Amma’s touch in everything I do. Every thing I do I can relate to her, even when I have never tried to imitate her.

I started picking and prodding for fresh vegetables at the grocery store. I became and expert in deciding what vegetables to purchase and what dishes to cook making best attempts to avoid repetitions and monotony. I try to include pulses and leafy vegetables in my meals. I have the same frown as on Amma's face when the “green leafy vegetables” lady thrust no-so-fresh spinach and palak into my hands and ask for 10 rupees:) Even I sing the same malayalam songs in the most irritating of tunes the way she used to :))

When guests come I serve my own hand-cooked (:)) food with the same old Amma dialogue “ Onnum athra sheriyayitilla” coz it increases manifold the joy that you get when the guest says “Alla…nannayittundu”. After a hectic washing session, I make fruit juices and sip it leisurely watching the TV.

I sit back sipping my tea and finishing over the leftovers from the morning breakfast in my evenings after returning from work. I cannot help thinking about how I as a kid never used to like the breakfast idli/dosa served as evening snack and how every evening Amma would end up finishing the remaining from breakfast. When I cook, I realize the value of my time, effort and resources spent. Also I realize hers too.

Every Sunday Achan and we saw Amma running around. We remarked how she never seemed to have time even on a holiday. She always had unending chores to talk about. We could never make it to any outing or cinema on weekends coz for Amma it was her only holiday to finish washing, cleaning and preparing for the week ahead. Now I realize the same truth from my life, something that I had never realized all my 23 years. I value my Sundays and I too have unending list of tasks to be done. I know the onlooker (here Sandettan) gets irritated thinking the same way I and Achan thought of Amma. But then my Sunday is really really precious for me.

Every night tired after household chores and sumptuous dinner, I can feel the resistance that builds up in my mind to washing the dishes. I sometimes postpone the washing to the next morning. But always there is Amma’s old story, something that my grand mom told her and she has passed over to me. This is a small story with no thrills and frills. There were 2 families who lived beside each other. One rich and the other poor. The rich family had lots of servants and the poor were on their own, somehow scraping and making their ends meet. After a rich affluent meal at night, the rich family used to settle to their cozy beds leaving their kitchen and dishes for the maids to clean next day. Whereas the poor family would share a scanty meal amongst themselves, clean their kitchen and dishes and settle to sleep. At night Goddess Lakshmi visited the two houses. Impressed with the way the poor family had maintained their house, Devi showered her blessings on them and made them prosperous. You might have by now guessed what became of the rich family! I am very sure this is going to be one of the stories that I pass down to my kids, most importantly my little girl.

At the moment I'm improvising to get to the level of great taste that Amma's dishes have, to try out and learn new dishes to get Sandettan's appreciation for my culinary skills. I have realised a great truth that Time is a great leveler. Probably the dialogue that I have most often heard from Amma is that “You’ll understand when you reach my position”. Sure I do :)

How weird am I?

2006-10-13T16:18:00.000+05:30

Hi!! I'm back on the blog world after a long time and promising to myself to be more regular. Thanks Srijith for the tag. This tag just made me think and think, my biggest doubt was - "What I find weird in myself, will others also find the same things weird?" So here are 6 weird points about me:))

1. I'm an emotional reader and viewer.
Sentimental movie dialogues, patriotic lines, passionate words in books/blogs and all can bring tears to my eyes. Mostly I feel the passion and pain in written words and visuals, and my eyes fill up.

Over my life on earth, I have tried my best to block these tears in public and have succeeded also. But they gush out when I'm alone.

2. People who irritate me to the core initially end up as my best friends.
This has happened to me a lot of times. There is this friend of mine, an amazingly thoughtful person and one of my bestest chums, who did initially irritate me with her ability to be the last to any place/office/meeting, the most unpunctual of people, who never keeps time:) But then it took me only little time to overlook small things and befriend this wonderful person.

There have been people at work and college who have made me think initially "How am I going to adjust with these people?" AND "They'll go their way and I'll go mine" but at last have ended as my good pals and soul mates.

3. I hate paneer and I'm not fond of pizza.
The snack of the generation PIZZA - I don't approve it much. Also I hate paneer and cannot bear even the sight of Aloo Paneer, Paneer Butter Masala and all Paneer stuff.

4. I love to sing aloud against the sound of the moving train.
This is probably something I used to do a lot in my younger age. Achan, Amma and I used to travel to our native place Kayamkulam once every month for my second Saturday holiday. I would smartly get my window seat and sit clutching the windows bars and keeping my head on the window sill. Amma would be telling me to move away giving vivid descriptions of people who would have spit through the window. Slowly the train gathers momentum and I look out thru the windows and sing aloud against the sound of the moving train.

Gone are those frequent trips and little Reshmi is no longer little! Probably that element of "What'll other people think?" that grows into you with age is the culprit behind me not showing this weird behaviour off late.

5. I have a bold and daring imagination.
I'm not a very courageous person in real life. But in the reel life of imagination, I love to visualize scene by scene as to how I will fight intruders, how I'll expose corrupt politicians and unscrupulous elements and how I'll revolt to some unagreeable company policies and back stabbing colleagues. But come the situation in real life, Reshmi will be the meekest person you have seen and who'll handle the situation without damage to leaf and the pin:))

6. I cannot help blurting out unpleasant truths, especially to people close to me.
I'm an arrogant girl in this respect. If I notice anything that I feel is not proper in the behaviour of any of my closest kin, I cannot help telling it out on their face in the most impatient and rude of manners.

Nithin, Abhi, Soorya, Maddy - I'm curious to know how weird you guyz are! Enlighten me with the facts..:))

See you!

2006-09-06T22:00:00.000+05:30

My dear girlie Reshmi,

There are a lot of things. Using your very own newly acquired vocabulary; there are “n number” of thoughts cruising through your mind this very moment. In a split second, you are unable to judge the nature of your thoughts – happiness, sadness, concern, apprehension…

As a kid, you talked faster and earlier than the rest of your age. You walked and ran before your contemporaries. You recited your rhymes with zest and vigour. You had the privilege to be in nature’s lap. You had your friends and relatives forever around you, showering their love and affection. You excelled in studies. You developed yourself to be an outgoing girl. You headed small student groups. You wrote little poems. You set goals for yourself. You learnt your lessons. You took your tests. You reached gates of your ambition and strived to be the coveted ones who crossed the gates.

Lotsa people, lotsa moments.
Your schoolmates for first recognisng the leader and teacher in you.
Your school teachers for still seeing that old kid in you.
RSK, Thoyakat, Soorya & lotsa others – for being the people whom you picked and who picked you in return in different walks of life.
Your very own stupid problem causing dialogues.
Your absurd outbursts.
Your crazy ideas.
Your fights with Amma.
Your debates with Achan.
Your friends and relatives – who were there for you.
Your job, your mentors at work and your ever-jovial colleagues.
Ensemble, blogspot and blogger pals and friends – who made you feel that you write some stuff.

You are remembering every moment, every source these came through, the linking incidents and experiences, everyone part of these moments, people who are still with you and people who are part of the vastness around you, and you have tears brimming your eyes and a smile on your lips – the moments are the essence of the word “bittersweet”.

You were that little traveler with a small boat. You were at the shore when you received a loving push into the waters. You saw familiar faces push the boat through those initial tides. And then you were on your own. Small leaps, small goals, small destinations. But you were always in sight of the shore. Slowly you set sight on the horizon. You saw infinite promise in the golden skies that stretched to the final limits. You had and still have the strength and youthful vigour to row and reach it. The horizon beckons, but still you don’t want to lose the comfort and safety of the shore.

This is a new journey. Not leaving the past behind, you attempt to join present and future. You don’t have words to describe. Thanks girlie, for being here to share the world, and for being “you” every moment!

Cheers,
“Trying to be mature” Reshmi
/*****************************************************************/
Dear All,

This is not adieu to blogging! This is just a new beginning to a new phase in life. I’m getting married this Saturday.

Expecting your prayers and blessings,
Reshmi

A friend indeed

2006-08-13T08:49:00.000+05:30

Friendship day wishes, orkut scraps, calls from friends, touching messages – yet another day I paused and looked back at life and what an influence friends have been, how some of them kept contact and ties over time and tide, and how my friendships have matured with time and I still keep making new friends.

Probably the first imprint in my mind of friendship is of a thin small built man with prematurely graying hair, who used to drop in at my home most frequently on working day evenings. Balancing a burning cigarette between his lips, he used to voice to Amma, “Mani…Chaaya…”. This is my oldest memory of my dad’s closest friend. From then on, my eyes and mind got used to this man, whom I called Uncle initially, but later from somewhere came to be addressed with a homely “Mondasammavan”.

Amma traces our association with Mondasammavan when he made way into the humble rented house, my parents first home together in Chennai. She still remembers putting out a small paaya (mat) for him. From then on, she remembers him as a constant companion of Achan, and as the best admirer of her own cooking skills.

Every time I used to call Achan’s office line when I missed my bus or for any emergency, my fingers moved to Mondasammavan’s extension as soon as I could not connect the line to Achan’s. A young Reshmi was advised not to go if a stranger offers a chocolate and tells “I’ll take you to Achan/Amma”. “Go only if Mondasammavan calls you other than me or Amma”, Achan used to tell me.

I grew up to learn that I could rely on this person like Achan. I could call him anytime for any help. His family became frequenters at my home during weekends and holidays. We started recognizing each other’s relatives, building strong ties between our families, and being there for each other. I can never forget the zeal with which he used to bring up vacation trip plans and the way he used to side with Amma in all her temple visit endeavors like the famous Mookambika Temple visit which surfaced every year in pretext of Reshmi going a grade higher in studies.

With a mechanical engineering graduate degree, this man showed me what engineering skill truly meant. I still remember the enthusiasm that lit up his eyes when I got an engineering admission. He energetically took up the task of making me understand the concepts of Basic Mechanical Engineering in first year. I still remember that crammed workshop where he proudly operated the lathe and I stood gaping with a wonderstruck expression. His home was a mini-workshop where all his colleagues’ vehicles received a dose of his engineering skill. Our car used to be transformed to the best Maruti on earth with his touch, and we used settle back comfortably into our seats as he taught Achan the intricacies of managing Maruti steering with a single finger.

I still remember how he stood by Achan all through Ammoomma’s long treatment days and later when Ammoomma passed away. I still remember how he used to be the surety of all loans taken by my parents. I still remember how overjoyed he used be in Achan’s professional success. I still remember the triumph in his voice when he dictated my 12th marks on phone. I still remember the warmth and love he showered upon all our relations. I still remember the lesson of friendship and commitment he taught through the example of his life.

I had just wished for small small things like seeing the combined joy on Mondasammavan’s and Achan’s face when I got a job, the plans they would have made take me to Hyderabad to join my company, getting the same pattern shirt for both of them when I get my first salary, getting Mondasammavan's expert advice when I would buy a vehicle on my own and wanting to see Achan and Mondasammavan hand in hand for the preparation of the marriage of their daughters. But HE probably had some other plans for this engineer in heaven. And at times when tears fill my eyes as I think back, I feel I cannot thank HIM enough for sharing this wonderful person with our family, and most importantly for teaching through his life what friendship really means.

A lot of things…

2006-07-27T15:59:00.000+05:30

In the span of time when I didn’t blog and finally broke out with a tag, I remember asking to myself, “Why suddenly this Blogger’s block? Is it because of dearth of topics? Hasn’t the world moved in that time span? Haven’t a lot of things happened? The things said, done and witnessed, haven’t they left a scar in my mind?”

Well lot of things to think about, the Mumbai blasts, the ever-happening Bangalore city, about a little boy captured in a bore well and lots more.

Mumbai has seen different phases of destruction, most lately the blasts. As we all huddled in front of the TV, witnessing the NDTV coverage, I could sense the helplessness I felt in my own mind. There were friends of mine, who were so depressed with the Government’s passiveness, who felt like I myself feel that it is high time India take the bold step against Pakistan funded terrorism. We have preached peace to the world, but aren’t we showing heights of submissiveness here?

The editorials of Hindu sing about a nuclear treaty signed with US, which contains clauses that expose the security and secrecy of our very own defense policy. Pakistan has funded cross border terrorism for such a long time, but is it that every time in spite of being ditched time and again, we are willing to take initiatives for talks? Why is it that India's very own land illegally subjugated by Pakistan, “the Pakistan Occupied Kashmir” is an area never covered in any of the discussions?

I remember the pride I felt when Thomas Friedman mentioned Bangalore in his much acclaimed book “The World is Flat”. I’m definitely the part of this bright tomorrow that Bangalore offers. But a couple of assaults about which I have heard just make me wonder what really “bangalored” means. Most recently, my fellow project team member told me about one of his friends, who came to Bangalore in an early morning bus and was kidnapped. The guy was badly beaten up, fingers cut, robbed off this ATM and credit cards as well as the pin numbers. And most shockingly, it was not just one victim. There were 2 girls, with Wipro tags, gagged and tied in the same vehicle. And the vehicle took off with them, after dumping the looted guy on the road. For a few pennies, can we do this to another human being? "Human nature" surprises me!

In the same Bangalore, I frequently travelled late nights in a tough phase of my project. I befriended cab drivers, simple and concerned men who would drop me outside the apartment and wait till I climb the stairs, enter inside my flat after an incessant flow of calling bell rings, and give him a call and tell I'm in and fine. There were old gentlemen among these cab drivers who asked us to be careful while venturing out with laptops. People who always were Guardian Angels in our late night trips. And that too in the same city. "Human nature" surprises me!!

On my last trip home, I took an auto to the railway station. I knew that the auto drivers would greet me asking for "shocking and outrageous" fares. But I was surprised when one person just hinted me in the auto after I had chorused "Bangalore City Railway Station" to at least 10 people. The old driver promptly started his meter and started the trek. A happy me, relieved myself with some cracker sneezes. I was having a bad cold, you see :). The honest man drops me at the railway station, takes the meter fare and also offers me a cold tablet in goodwill and imparts a few words "really effective, no side effects". "Human nature" surprises me!!!

A nation’s eyes focused onto a tiny bore well in Kurukshetra when little Prince got trapped in. A whole country closed its eyes in prayers. A whole country’s focus brought diligence to rescue operations, romped in politicians who took center stage and drove the rescue mission, and most importantly unified this country to one God, in a partial realization, from whom we sought courage and blessing thru our own cultural and religious channels. Aren’t there thousands of issues enveloping this country, from child labour to social stigma, from infanticide to unemployment? Why isn’t the media able to bring the hype it brought to Prince’s case in all these?

Calamities have united us to God for split seconds. But haven't we brought disgrace to His name with Babri Masjid and Gujarat riots? Haven't we failed to understand that even with differences in our cultural practices, we have all tried to attain one and the same God?

Just some thoughts that played several rounds in the arena of my mind...

My first TAG!

2006-07-24T14:48:00.000+05:30

Took this tag from an open invite at Srijith's site coz I have been passing my days with a fear in mind - that of an untimely blog death.

Most Desired Celebrity

I have been a witness to that proud moment when this remarkable woman catapulted India into limelight in the world beauty scene. She has been unique, unique in every gesture, in every word said and in everything done. Sushmita Sen is definitely the beauty with brains.

Want to visit this place

The Gift of the Nile has always enchanted me. A desert saved by a river has somehow always symbolized hope in my mind. A seat of ancient civilization and the land of pyramids, when'll I get a chance to touch thy sands?

Want to do this someday

A walk thru a dense canopy of trees, shrubs and grass in a forest, with my backpack of dresses and food, a notepad and pen, a camera and my thoughts. Spare some quiet moments to contemplate on creation, evolution, God, faith, people and the world. And gaze with awe at the wonderful sights that nature has arranged.

Random Favourite

From an old Reader’s Digest article that I read sometime in my school days, I learnt about this remarkable woman Waris Dirie, who rose from a nomadic life to being a super model adorning the covers of Vogue. She showed me the incredible strength personified as a woman, determination and perseverance in attaining dreams, and most importantly about giving back to the society and having a will to rally behind a cause that you are passionate about.

Tag Origin

Soorya, Nithin, Lochan, Shilpa - You guyz are tagged:)And also anyone else interested, feel free to give this tag a try.

The Hungry Tide

2006-07-06T16:34:00.000+05:30

In our legends it is said that the goddess Ganga's descent from the heavens would have split the earth had Lord Shiva not tamed her torrent by tying it into his ash-smeared locks....there is a point where the braid becomes undone; where Lord Shiva's matted hair is washed apart into a vast, knotted tangle. Once past that point the river throws off its bindings and separates into hundreds, maybe thousands, of tangled strands...N this created an immense archipelago of islands, interposed between the sea and plains of Bengal, called the Sunderbans. An unheard legend for me. And the point that hooked me on to this book by Amitav Ghosh.

There are so many unsaid stories, forgotten people, parts of our country to which we ourselves have become alien. India for us, does not go into the deltas of the Sunderbans where there is no separation of fresh and saline, where numerous islands emerge and sink in a matter of hours, the abode of the Royal Bengal tigers. Nobody knows to whom, the uninhabitable islands belong to, whether to the Govt of India or to the Govt of Bangladesh. Not a soul ever cared about the people who lived there in one of the many islands where human habitation existed, no party raised their problems and they lived their small uneventful lives in this land of interwoven shore and tide in the Republic of India.

And suddenly when a group of homeless and helpless refugees, victims who fled from Bangladesh at the time of communal riots, inhabit one such island and try to make a living in uninhabitable conditions, there comes the Government with allegation of unlawful subjugation of land, social groups who feel that the abode of the Royal Bengal Tigers have been encroached, the big men of the world who felt that the wonderful ecosystem of the Sunderbans were at risk from this group of hapless men, women and children.

A wonderful story, seen through the eyes of Kanai Dutt, a man of the modern world and a translator by profession and Piya Roy, a young NRI cetologist (one who studies of whales, dolphins and related mammals). I have just captured some insight given by the book and unsettling thoughts that beat me when 50 odd pages of the book still remain to be read.

Three Couples

2006-07-03T11:25:00.000+05:30

A quiet train journey from home back to Bangalore is always something I relish. Even though not as much as the stay at home, but still to a good extent, as it gives me sometime for retrospection, a quiet time for me and my thoughts, at times it shows me some interesting people, sometimes some interesting incidents too…:)

I couldn’t help thinking about 3 different couple who captured my thoughts in 3 very different ways in this home trip.

On Friday, the best couple of my life captured one of the most scenes I have ever witnessed. In the midst of our shopping spree, in a crowded Kalyan Silks showroom, Achan forced a reluctant Amma onto the escalator. Amma is very scared of escalators. I had a tough time convincing her that it is one of the easiest things to do. But ultimately her man had to firmly catch her hand and force her onto those moving steps. He must have been really worried about her health for she gets those nasty aches and pains after she climbs steps. She was panicky as expected. But he held her with the kind of firmness that gave her a sudden spurge of "guts". No one assures her like Achan, and no one ever will/can. And people around watched them with an amused and happy curve on their faces. I could just look on and think of how lucky they were to find each and on how luckier we were (I and sis) to have them as the best couple in our lives…

On Saturday, I had one of those small outings with Amma. Well its something I relish. When on shopping with Achan, we have to take into account his impatience. He hates spending time on selection. For him its always pick up the first one you liked, bill it and walk out. For Amma and me, its having a look at everything, even the ones we have no intention of picking up and the ones which we know is not within our budget, and then make a few selections, then some reselection and rejection, before the process of finalization. Well Achan cannot stand it most of the time. Even though Amma gives her certificate that he has changed a lot and often remarks how much patient he has become in these 25 years…:)

So Amma and I walk around the crowded Thripunithura roads. Well we have a couple of shops in mind. But at last we enter Leela Stores. Like all women will say, “Just like that”. I could feel the suffocation instantly. Well a very old textile showroom. The lack of modernization in terms of AC and lighting were glaringly visible. Also the lack of those young mallu faces, hair tied in the much seen kulipinnal and a chandana kuri adorning the forehead, and a “May I help you?” smile. Well there was a regal looking lady, old and stooping. A Tamil chap who didn’t even know to measure cloth and an imposing old man, the owner probably who sat behind the cash counter with a fan circling above his bald head. It took only a moment for me to sink in that the old man and the regal lady were husband and wife. She was probably Leela after whom the shop was named. The Tamil guy soon displayed his ignorance with the whole shop stuff. So we moved on to our old regal lady who showed us the cloth, measured, cut, and provided some expert answers to Amma’s questions. I moved ahead to help her pull the huge bundle of cloth from the shelves above. She was so exhausted and weak, a big bandage on her feet for some diabetes-related-injury.

The shop suddenly sees a rush of visitors. The old man starts yelling from the cash counter, urging the regal lady to service the other customers also. He gets agitated when she can’t do the things in the expected speed. He shouts at her. He says as to how terribly she messed up the counters while servicing. The regal lady does not even show a trace of emotion on her face. She just goes around doing everything that he wants her to, even though it all comes at her own pace, which she tries to speedup, but sadly can’t.

On Sunday, an old couple, Tamil speaking, come and occupy the seat beside me in the train. They bring in huge loads of things wrapped in sacks and fill the whole space under the seats. Everyone stares at them, even me, with just one obvious question in mind, “Are they really intending to travel by 3rd AC?” Well none of us voices out. They discuss in hushed tones of getting down at Palghat. They ask me the timing when the train would reach Palghat and then settle back in a quiet contemplation. Years of hard word lined their foreheads and some concern showed over their faces. Two weary travelers with a huge load with them.

The ticket checker soon makes away. The man produces a crumpled ticket from a purse tied up in his mundu. The woman shows respect and reverence on her face.

“Ithu AC ticket allallo? Randayiram roopa fine aavum. Enthayalum coachinte veliyil poku. Njan angottu varam.”

The sudden panic of an unexpected blow strikes their faces. They gather their things and speed out, without glancing either way.

In this world where people break the rules knowingly, two old couple who don’t know the difference between an ordinary and AC compartment in a train are caught and might end up being fined off their hard earned penny. And like kd says even I do feel sometimes that there is no justice in this world. Well the 3 couples have given me 3 entirely different insights.

Raring to go...

2006-06-26T20:22:00.000+05:30

Amma always recounts this story of how she came to Udayamperoor (a sleepy village at the border of Kochi, nearest town being Thripunithura about 4-5 kms) and settled there…the sole reason being her cousin sister being settled there, a bright prospect of helping her take care of her 8-month old kid (me…:)) n “her people around” feeling, n also Achan’s adamancy to stay away from city traffic and turbulences…partly attributed also to their confidant shifting of their work places to Kochi, you can say the desire to be in Kerala or the desire to be close to their parents needs cum work needs…

So in between day cares, studies and frequent monthly visits to Kayamkulam, my native place, I spend most of my time in Udayamperoor…my second cousins and their first cousins, both sects in their college-age then, find me a wonderful prospect for their time pass…n as a baby I get all the adoration, attention and care I would have ever dreamed of…definitely more than I can ever dream of also…company comes as second cousin’s son…even though attentions shift, I should say I was mighty pleased…studies and friends in Ernakulam Town and Kothamangalam, but finally coming back to my nest in Udayamperoor…time has just flown by…

The kids brigade there started with me…N after I became the working gal, there is an army back home from 8 months to 10th standard…in all range of age and activities…I never thought I would have a life separate from Kunju, Chithu, Pachu, Cheekutty, Hari, Vysakh, Kukku, Ruku, Achu, Revu – the lil devils out there, my sis Punnan also included…but that is where my job has landed me, far from my niche and in the madding crowd…

The wonderful away-from-the-city village setting they get to spend their childhood, the vast expanse of “parambu” to run around and play their games, mangoes, jack fruits n cashews, traditionally celebrated Onam with Athapoo and Onathappan and Onasadhya, Vishu Kani and Vishu Konna, the thrill to walk thru muddy, un-tarred country roads holding colourful umbrellas to catch their school bus…far from the concrete jungles in an enlightened landscape, they get to spend a joyful childhood…I have over and over asserted my luck, but these kids of the modern age, are definitely luckier to have time and space saved for them for a “gem of a childhood”…

And I'm going back to that haven for a 3 day kutty trip towards the end of the week...:)"Raring to go" is my emotion summed in a few words...

Achan's Stories

2006-06-15T17:40:00.000+05:30

Hmm…I’m thinking back…to some wonderful 70-80-ies stories narrated by Achan…true life incidents, the resemblances to characters living is purely not fiction, but reality…Achan has this hobby of making us (I n sis Punnan) understand life thru his life…thru the vivacious little stories in which he sums up his adventures, the tests he faced in life, his trysts with destiny…lil stories that he tells with the expectation that his kids who have lived in their cozy space in the world, well-provided and well-nurtured, understand the bigger world, appreciate all that we have got for ourselves, visualize hard realities n tough times he has come across, n use it as a treasure trove of knowledge for building our future…

After starting his life as an accountant in a small sugar mill in the border of Maharashtra and Andhra, it was all a big phase of learning things the hard way...as for everyone starting a career, there was a phase where he had to prove his worth to his employers, a phase where he struggled to fulfill his own aspirations for higher education, living his life under the watchful eyes of a strict maternal uncle (this uncle Meeshayammavan as I used to call him, was one of the most lovable people in my life), going back home for important family matters as his parents only-son and one and only brother for his sisters, marrying my Amma and building our home, life and future…

From him I heard about, walking all the way to school, with the paisa given by my grand dad as bus fare safe in his pocket, to buy a Hindu paper to put a foundation of English language...

From him I heard about, how due to a border/ownership dispute, some group burnt the erstwhile Somayya Sugar Mills where he was working as an accountant…the days when they waited for aid to reach the border where they were stuck…they displayed heroism protecting and taking care of the women and children in the group…

From him I heard about, perseverance to prepare for CA, by own means and earning for it…being a working student…putting in days and efforts…and rushing home getting the news of his grand mother’s illness leaving the much dreamt about CA exams…n never getting a chance to complete that coveted degree thereafter…

From him I heard about, discovering by accident, being blind in one eye from birth…n colour blind the whole life...

From him I heard about, clearing an Air India Examination with an overall 2nd position…going to the interview room with lot of expectations, well prepared, well dressed, exuding confidence…only to be told – “Mr.Pillai…We understand you have performed excellently…But what can you give us if we give you this job?”

From him I heard about, work stories from National Film Archives…Achan’s proudly declared “Film Institute dayz”…Mukesh Khanna (our Shaktiman), Salil Choudhary and numerous people he still admires…so much so that on his insistence his nephew, my cousin brother is named Salil after that legendary music director…

From him I heard about, Madras dayz after marriage, a small house in the corner of the street, heat, work, happiness, commitment and the joy of having rice and fish cooked by my Amma under the stars in the open sit out...

From him I heard about, having a vision and courage to follow the vision of building a house on loan, in the beginning of his marital life…I remember him sitting with that huge ledger-like book calculating and tackling monetary issues...

From him I heard about, a hard-earned M-Com, lot of credit to Amma who extended her full support writing notes for him, managing a small “me” beside…

From him I heard about, learnt, realized, admired, understood lots of things in life...So much, I don't think I can sum it up in this blog...a small attempt to summarize some wonderfully inspiring things I have heard from Achan...he starts talking and by the time he completes, at least 2 cigarettes would be completely burnt out...but the passion with which he speaks always remains the same...

I don't want this post to go as a belated Father's day tribute...well let it be a lifetime tribute...n I want to keep on adding to that wonderful list, all points given by Achan in my life, on and on, in the days to come…

co-INCIDENCES!!!

2006-06-12T17:42:00.000+05:30

Do you know coincidences can shock you in life…:)…have been thru many in life…but only after I started having a blog space of my own I felt a need to record my thoughts…be it whatever…whether I end up posting it on www remains a choice “subject to conditions”…

I and Rathna came over to Bangalore in late November last year and in a week to 10 days, we were happily settled in our abode in NGV…projects separated us, and also our togetherness in office and in the company bus…I started finding the journeys to be big maritime odysseys in every sense…no friends even to talk to, except one training friend, letz call her “Softie”…the days I managed to catch my seat close to Softie time pass was easy…but catching seat near her was the problem…

N then one day, I don’t know how it happened, I just went and sat with a quite looking girl, the gud old homely kinds…we start our chat, n realize that we r both “Mallus”…so we Mallu sisters discuss our families as the first step…n viola…!!our native places are close by…:)…so “Ammu Kutty” becomes my best chum in bus…I talk n talk, n she listens…I tell my worries, some jokes, office stories, one time wet my hanky with tears in front of her, n she addresses me “kutty”(a Malayalam word that can be used for gals n guys n that means chweet one…!) in her own typical way, n always makes me think that hers is the most radiant smile that I have ever come across in life…

So the stage is set between us for the talk that “girls of our age” make “the topic of their age”…we finally start talking about marriage alliances…An interesting topic I must say, coz the diversity and wide range is amazing…N how every girl of that age can easily get adjusted to the topic, n find a point to present too…

Days pass by…we sit with each other once in a while when we don’t have our other friends in the bus…n on a fateful such day, after long days of absence from the bus, Ammu Kutty tells me that she her marriage is fixed…an old Satyam love story tumbles out…trials, tests and finally triumph…:)…N I spot the 2nd coincidence, “the guy is from Thripunithura”…the place where I’m settled and a place about which I have talked to her in my usual fervor and passion…hmm…some thoughts echoed by both of us – “I would have seen the guy somewhere in Thripunithura”…N I get to talk with the payyanz…n reach a familiarity over a local astrologer whom both of us know…:)

The newly-engaged n to-be-wedding-in-December couple takes over the mission of suggesting some prospective payyanmar (guyz on the lookout for matches) for me…U know, they had a bunch of resources, as friends and acquaintances, to pick up from…even though success eludes them, concerns make me happy n Ammu Kutty never gets tired of her concern and questions…makes me feel great, n looked after…:)

So days pass, n as usual, I have some news to telecast at the radio station of our bus chat…I make hushed hushed announcements of a match which shows some prospect of finalizing…:)…excited Ammu Kutty, try to curb the rising pitch in her voice…n asks me the general questions…gets a level further…n for the benefit of my readers, I translate as here-written…:)

Ammu Kutty: “Where did the guy study?”
Me: “CET”…
Ammu Kutty: “Ohh...even my sister studied in CET:)…Which batch?”
Me: “2001”…
Ammu Kutty’ eyes become round and an unbelievable kind of expression in her eyes….
Ammu Kutty: “Which branch?”
Me: “Applied Electronics and Instrumentation”…
Still rounder, a dazed moment, n a smile slowly trickles from the end of her lips..
Ammu Kutty (excited): “Heyy…my sister also…must be my sister’s classmate…:)”
Me (expressionless): …

Well well…she vouches to gather some knowledge about the guy for my sake…N we spend a moment thinking about the similarities that somehow echo in our lives and the small small links we discover time n again…

I actually dunno if the coincidences seem really the ones that can make your mouth open with awe…the biggest play was of our minds probably which forever gave us the feeling that we are in it for the longer time…n that we were the people destined to meet and become friends…

@Ammu Kutty: This post is for "OUR friendship" and in memory of the "MOMENTs we shared together"...! And wishing you all the best in all your future endeavours..:)...Letz stay in touch..!!

2006-06-08T14:41:00.000+05:30

"People always ask me why I write gross stuff...I tell them that I have the heart of a small boy and I keep it in a jar on my desk."
- Stephen King

This quote has stayed in my mind since the time I spotted it in a Reader's Digest issue. Made me think of the only work of the author that I have read - the old gypsy man's curse to make the sinner THINNER...King of Allegory in the shrouds of mystery...

BIG MAN OF SATYAM

2006-05-30T18:48:00.000+05:30

Always had a thousand things in mind as to what all I would say/ask and do, if I would ever meet
the Big Boss Ramalinga Raju...
Have lot of finished/unfinished drafts in my mailbox addressed to HIM...
N today from the pantry on the 1st floor was lucky enough to get a glimpse of the BIG MAN OF SATYAM accompanying some clients...A group of us had our hawk - eyes fixed on HIM...There was surprise, excitement and I should say there were some disdainful utterings too...:)

But finally the thoughts that beat me are
> A small man in the backdrop of the large empire he has built...
> If I have so much of pride about my SDC, how much will the creater-cum-funder-cum-owner feel...
> Big visions create big business...big business creates big money, big fame, big ties, bigger jobs and oppurtunities...
> In spite of so-many-bitter-thoughts-in-mind, there was an "awe" still to greet THE MAN...
> Can find thousands of things to complain about, but a moment to think about the foresight, struggle and perserverence that must have gone into building a business empire...n equally the struggle to maintain and nourish it...

SIR, I should say that "fleeting glimpse" of YOU was wonderful and thought provoking...:)

Main Snap Courtesy : A colleague...:)

Gulmohar Ka Pedh

2006-05-29T17:26:00.000+05:30

Captured this beautiful red inflorescence outside Friends Restaurant in BTM...It brought some old forgotten lessons of school days back to my mind...Gulmohar Ka Pedh...Itz also called May Flower (courtesy my roomie:))...

Remember reading the famous article "3 days to see" by Hellen Keller...Wonderful if we could capture beauty of nature to the canvas of our mind, if we could play over the pitter-patter of rain, whistling of wind, hum of bees, song of birds to ourselves over and over again, have a window in our mind which opens to the priceless feast of light n sound that nature arranges..:)..

Corporate Culture...?

2006-05-24T12:37:00.000+05:30

The drama has gone for quite a while…N I have been on an endless wait for the final scene…Every scene I hope would be the final one, even though the climaxes differ…

When I was on-bench, I thought an internal project would be fun…seeing the past from present, I should say it was…but my thought in those days were that a client project would be a learning experience…it was and has been so far…I have worked for a great client and executed a wonderful system, that still gets applause and ovation…at this point having seen too much the business side of it, and all the tricks that managers do to save their ass, the only thing that comes to my mind is that “GOD save himself, rather than interfering in all this crap”…

Surprising how money and business overtakes our personal relations, how we take one-liner mails, phone calls and messenger chats as evidence to point to each other’s faults…even though we have compromised on small problems as a gesture of goodwill, we forget all that for the business at stake…we forget the rapport and personal relationship…we forget that money and business comes after friendship and trust…lose our cool, shout at each other, and fall flat on your belly on dollars of billing stacked in front…is this the much talked about “corporate culture”…?

Yesterday…
PM: The client has finally decided to sign the PO(Purchase Order)…agreeing to our terms…
Me (after hearing the much heard dialogue): …?
Fellow Team Member: Great…:)
Me (still…): …?

Today…
PM: Don’t answer any mails from the client, sign out of messenger n switch off your phone…we are not giving them any support…
Me: …?

Tomorrow…
Yesterday continued…
My response doesn’t change, only the number of succeeding question marks increase and font becomes bolder…

I still wait for the climax…sad that I don’t have the remote in hand to fast-forward it to the end…I’m tired of the movie, but still curious about the ending…:(

Far, yet so close...

2006-05-23T11:00:00.000+05:30

There have been times where I have thought and thought over decisions to be made…friends talk around me, but I’m counting my for and against arguments…I’m praying to God in my heart of hearts for His help in taking a better decision…Consequences scare me, intuitions show me highs and lows, people and possibilities look uncertain…I feel my decision controls my life, n I focus my resolve and mental resources…

I was in one of those phases this weekend…My MBA roomie talking lot of stuff – a very interesting and dynamic woman…she brings the same charm and dynamism to her talks and views…I confide my deepest fears and concerns…I speak out my doubting self…

N M-woman baffles me…she tells me “even I’m scared…”…times when people fail the vision of super-smartness and assuredness that they naturally exude…

And she touches me with her statement – “I have seen so much – so much so that I think I’m talking with you here, I leave for office and I don’t know whether I’ll come back to the same place…”…the whole story tumbles out…how death devastates, how it leaves you helpless, the meanness that you suddenly realize is a part of this big world, how you toughen yourself to straighten things out…n showed me that people endure so much, they go thru things that seem impossible and irrational, still they survive, they wear their happy masks and act comedy scenes, they comfort and console you so much even when their hearts are brimming, n they feel they might not handle it all and explode the next moment…

The cents I earn go to my stay, stomach and style…For someone else; it’s a family’s survival and necessities…
The decisions I have to make are simplified by the support I get in life…For someone else; it is to support and in the best interest of others…
I rush home to dump my worries and concern on my parents…For someone; it is home to greater issues and things that need fixes…

Death – I have seen you steal many dear ones…dance a horrendous dance in the lives of many close to me…but still I do remember when I first got a glimpse of what you can do…sometime in my primary classes when you stole a plump, bubbly, “undapakroo”, loves to speed up n down stairs, childhood friend…
Death – that left a dull colour at the corner of his lips, and packed him up in a cardboard box with a white ribbon tied around his head…
Death – superior enough to make the whole students of a school queue up to witness the masterpiece…
Death – red swollen eyes and damp saree pallus…
Death – silence and immobility…
Death – the big void…

And remind me of my very own existence – “far, yet so close” destiny...

@M-woman: I salute the amazing person you are..!! I can foresee your great future ahead...

Blossoms

2006-05-17T16:07:00.000+05:30

Missed the 6 pm shuttle from SDC (Satyam Development Center) on Thursday... Since I had hurriedly told goodbyes to friends and rushed out to catch the bus, I felt a bit embarrassed returning back in the same speed:-)…So took a small stroll around the campus…After the evening rains, the weather was cloudy, with a slight cool breeze…Sat on one of the wooden benches in the campus and felt a soothing sense of calm descending on my mind…Jus walked around the campus taking some snaps before I went back to my cabin…And I captured this beautiful blossom…

My political incline...

2006-05-13T11:05:00.000+05:30

My political incline surprises me...Coming from a pro-leftist family background, I have stood for the Congress in college union elections...My wider family viewed that development almost 3 and a half years back with utter disbelief...My parents went ahead and supported my decision, but still had a puzzled look on their faces which indirectly said "How come you chose Congress?"...The only concern for me at that point of time was that the people I personally knew and were friendly with were in KSU...I did not have my own political standpoint...N the so-called independent candidature - I found it scary coz I wanted some support in my endeavor...I was always interested in national politics...Being a part of a college sub-circle politics opened my eyes to a lot of things...Probably gave me a real idea of politics...

In the bigger picture, I have gone thru 2 real elections wherein I had an electoral right...For the Ernakulam bye-election and in the most recent Assembly elections...I was somehow surprised that I was impressed by the Left candidates in both these occurrences...From their policy manuals, I felt they had more to give back to the society, I found them more convincing, also Thripunithura had always been the forte of Congress, n I felt "Let me see what the Left can do here..."...This is when I started doubting my true political standpoint...The people whom I admire in politics cut across party lines...The policies I feel will contribute to a "greater common good" also is not party specific...I never applaud/grieve party victory/loss...I rather look into what would be the next best thing to happen assuming 'X' party has won...Still people associate me to the Congress and feel that "Reshmi must be genuinely upset coz Congress has lost" or field questions like "So madam, what do you have to say to this Left victory(chuckle)?"...So at times I end up thinking which party am I in?

The LDF has won the Kerala Assembly Elections...and even in the company bus, I find myself discussing a bit of politics with friends...that’s when it crossed my mind that I could post something about the opinion I expressed in one such discussion…Ever since I started blogging I always think “What would I post next?”, “This topic would make a good post…”, n am always trying to capture something unique thru my phone’s camera eyes…

So here is a very personal opinion on who should be the next CM...I'm not much in favour of VS grabbing the prestigious post...I do realize that quite a few times he has lost the place he deserves becoz of party politics...I also admire him coz most of the times the issues he raises are of public interest...What I'm afraid of is VS's approach to newer things - IT, Technology...The Grand Old Man of LDF after EMS and EKN - will he form a document of "cons" of Smart City(/any technological advancement for that matter) and build his 5 year term over it...I feel we need a younger person in the CM's Chair, a person with vision and passion, a person who can ignore a few "negatives" and take a bold step thinking about the "positives", a person who can devise a step to tap into the wide and immense human resource potential of Kerala and build the backbone, flesh and blood of a new Keralam...Personally I favour Thomas Isaac or Suresh Kurup…

May month...

2006-05-09T20:30:00.000+05:30

This month has extracted from me the most of hard earned and still harder saved money...Not that I regret spending even a bit...Went on a weekend shopping spree with my roomies - got gifts for my parents and sister and a new mobile for myself (Nokia 3230)...

The point:-
This is an important month for my whole family...my dad's and sister's birthdays and most importantly my parents' wedding anniversary...this year, they are celebrating their 25 years of togetherness, rejoicing for the niche they have build together, life they have shared together and thanking God for all the moments of joy and success we have had as a family...they can claim to have build each and every inch for all the prosperity that we have around our family by themselves, raising their kids (one to "her own feet"), making contacts and keeping their friends and commitments alive and intact...

The celebration:-
So chama (my parents as I call them, my dad – Achan - cha and my mom - Amma - ma) will be here in Bangalore next week with Punnan (my sister as I call her) to celebrate the big day..

The setting: -
Spending the day in Mysore with my family…

The VIPs: -Definitely chama…:-)

Sponsors: -Reshmi (the major one) and Punnan:-)

Looking ahead to a great outing and a memorable day on May 15th…

Nokia 3230:-
My new mobile...after lot of visits and refreshes on the Nokia site, I finally got it...!

My equation with Chennai

2006-05-04T18:35:00.000+05:30

Its one and a half years since I started my professional life - as a software engineer...I have bittersweet memories of my work life...It has taken me places, given me the chance of meeting different people, made me part of an amazing process of knowledge and idea sharing, at times shown me that I'm a small immature girl in this big IT field, taught me to keep distance from people, hurt me to the core at certain times, increased my faith in friends, fuelled my ambition to excel, brought 60% order to my 100% disorganized life...

The major part of my work life has been spent in Chennai...I was not particularly happy when I got a relocation to Chennai from Hyderabad...I was definitely excited for my project which is the most important word for every software engineer...Hyderabad was fun - lots of friends, some "own" money in hand, lots of places to roam about, and a wonderful, reasonably costly and beautiful city to roam about...Chennai only brought heat, dirt, misery, nearer to home feelings to me...

But my feelings for Chennai has changed ever since…so much so that I was really sad to leave Chennai for Bangalore…Looking back at Chennai and the equation between me and Chennai =

1. Made me a lot systematic, I started to be forever obsessed to folding and arranging my clothes and cupboards, took a fancy for washing...
2. Made me a lifelong high dosage perfume user...courtesy Thoyakat :-)
3. That the best way to tackle irritating people is to keep mum and have a slight smile on your face…
4. Taught me that there are some locations that capture the soul of this rich and diverse country better than the rest...My long treads thru Pondy Bazar have brought me close to this nation's soul, gave me a sense of oneness, a feeling of togetherness and amazing clarity of the thought and feeling of "my country"...
5. Tunes sung with passion, together with friends will bond hearts and forever reverberate in your life…so much so that you’ll always relive those moments in your day 2 day thoughts…
6. Sea will never make you sick…It’ll jus make you feel better and better, take off all your troubles and worries with the waves…
7. Cooking is fun…So is home making…Also window shopping...And bargaining...
8. Made me hooked to .NET technology…N given me the feeling that “I’m doing some great programming stuff”…
9. Helped in the transition from the thin, emaciated "Reshmi" to the fatter, plumper n healthier side of the world...
10. Given me some great friends…especially the 3 musketeers with whom I first stepped into Chennai and also reiterated my friendship with certain people, who have become my friends for life…

The list goes on...

Well Chennai...you'll always be close to my heart...for teaching me that its not the place, but people who lighten up ur life...:-)

Guided by instincts...!

2006-05-02T16:53:00.000+05:30

Feels like I have started blogging one fine day without any sorts of introductions...Blogging had never been on my agenda...I used to definitely read and enjoy my friends' blogs...Curiosity brought me here...I was curious to see how much of bitterness and resentment blogging can take away from me, whether it will increase my perseverance, add to my linguistic ability, organize my thoughts, re-open the gates to the world of words which is my inheritance...

Already put up 2 posts...There is a side of me which tells me to wait and see how many people will discover my blog by their own...But the publicity savvy, attention seeking "Reshmi" is teeming to call friends and tell them that this is my blog...Don't know which line of thought is going to win...Most probably the second one...;-)...coz as an individual, I'm quite a demanding one...

It was on instinct that I created this personal place for myself...Hope I can hold it close to my thoughts as I plan to...

Is marriage the loss of a friend?

2006-05-02T14:11:00.000+05:30

Had gone home to attend a dear friend's(RSK) wedding...Had a great time...Though I had gone banking my hopes on meeting lots of batch mates from college n school, couldn't see even a single person...

The topic of the blog jus crossed my mind when the marriage ceremony was going on...Am I losing a friend? I know I'm not the kind of person who always takes the initiative in keeping touch with friends...Not that I'm not keen to...but mostly laziness gets the better of me...there are times when I feel that putting a two line mail to friends is a big job...and procrastination has always been my constant companion...

RSK and I studied in the same class from 9th...and later we were in the same college, though in different streams...we were good friends, our friendship accentuated by the fact that our homes were close by, our sisters studied together, n other common factors...we went to the same place for tuitions when at school, talked endlessly about a lot concerns regarding studies, friends n relatives, gossips, future, ambitions...at times, found a lot of solace in each other's company...some school heroisms when she literally brought a sick "me"(barely conscious) from school to home, all by herself...even in college, we never ran out of common topics…had always people and problems to share with each other…were constant companions in weekend travels to and from home…our dads' would bring us to the bus station, we’d get our seats in the bus(I’ll get my window seat) and then stare down at our dads discussing their problems…n every time, I get back home from work, she’d come over home to meet me and spend sometime talking with me…memories are endless...

Mixed feelings at her marriage…happy to see her happy…thrilled to see her dazzling on the stage…a bit of concern for her…a silent prayer for her happy times ahead…a little bit sad that she is not going to be around for “on call support” as she had been and that distance (kms) between us is going to increase…More and more gals joining the “red headed league”...Hope we all remember what role we had in each others lives, n remain close to each other the way we were...

Definitely Thripunithura..

2006-04-28T15:55:00.000+05:30

I have always seen mixed reactions in people when I say “I’m from Kerala”…Often followed by the question “Where in Kerala?”…N amazed at the shades on the opposite person’s face when I say “Kochi, specifically Thripunithura”…Somehow feel people who applaud Kerala as the “God’s own country” (though I have personally met some “Devil’s own people” there) have no clue about my place Thripunithura…So here’s my story from the Thripunithura angle…

Now my place, Thripunithura gets its name from Lord Poornathrayeesha (Lord Krishna - called Santhana Gopala Krishnan). Its like "Thiru" means "Sire", "Most Respected", "Puni" for the "Lord" and "Thura" means "Abode"(this is my understanding of the place name - not entirely sure if it is correct). The erstwhile capital of kings who ruled Kochi, its known for its forts, palaces, for people with interest arts and music, the Vembanad lake (backwaters)...I don't know what is in that place that soothes my senses...I have seen a lot of madly competitive world where people run after their goals...I feel I'm in such kind of a race at time at work, where I don't know my destinations, I forget the "me" inside, I compromise on my true tastes, I feel my vision and dreams would never reach its final outcome...I'm like a guided sheep...

The real "Reshmi" comes out when I'm in Thripunithura...I mean somehow that place with its scenic beauty and people so beautiful at heart, has always given my thoughts a free rein...it has enriched my soul...I have grown up listening to stories from the epics, to Geetha slokas, to the faith that Guruvayoorappan will solve all your worries, Lord Hanuman wakes you up when you get scary dreams in your sleep...the elders I grew up among have helped me gain an insight into our scriptures, taught me to see Hinduism as a way of life rather than a religion, understand meditation and levels of human mind, captured the essence of the endless traversals of the soul, and above everything made me a passionate person...in the core of my heart, I feel my greatest wish is to be a true Thripunithura girl...who takes oil baths, reaches the level of mental elevation and peace when she prays, smells of incense ( I know its fancy), prays by the lamp every evening, serves food for elders before eating herself, be light of my home as my name signifies…its all from Thripunithura...still it brings out the freshness of my soul out to my face, fills my mind with the music of veena strings, and makes me hear a chorus of Carnatic music reverberating from the distance...the sun is there and so is the horizon, the snake deities and the elephants, the coconut trees and vishu konna ( a wild flower, yellow in colour and with inflorescence)...its all pure passion, sometimes total unreasonable insanity, I don't know the feeling I have for my place...

I have always felt that Pondy Bazar, especially near the flower market, captures the essence of Tamil Nadu…the heart of Hyderabad is in the streets near the Charminar…For me the whole fulfillment of a “Mallu” life and culture is in the road that leads to the Poornathrayeesha temple…I want Thripunithura to be the destination of my journey too…no other place gives me that comfort and homeliness…

The simple prompt to write a small article has actually made me think back to some wonderful people, many of whom have passed away, to some wonderful sights, a rainbow coloured childhood, some memories which have left a lasting imprint in the camera of my mind, some memories which are only mine (:-)), most importantly it has helped me pay a silent tribute to some wonderful people in my life and thank God for arranging a wonderful canvas like Thripunithura to paint my life on… And this retrospection has had a positive/rejuvenating effect on me…