Fair and Unfair

Patty, you have touched me...In a soft spot which I didn't quite realise existed...

For a moment I felt fortunate...Even when I felt unsure, my career was safe and stable...At every level, I have yearned for more...I have wanted to grow...I have grown frustrated at time...Wanted stuff to work out faster...Wanted all the good things to blossom together in my career...But all that while, my career was safe...It was progressing smoothly...I was growing faster than peers...

On the personal front, I am settled...I have a home, kid, all comforts and above all a loving husband and family...I have my flexibility at work...I am sure of myself...I drive around and find my own way...I treasure my independence and self reliance, together with it I treasure the feeling of being a precious possession for my people...

I cannot imagine losing the job and being thrown out to the recession hit IT world...Have been settled for a long time, so can't quite imagine the woes of mind a person unsettled in work and home fronts might encounter...I smile when I am happy, and I am happy most of the time coz I have all fair reasons on my side...So can't quite imagine how difficult it is to smile with all concerns and apprehensions within...

And I ponder how magical the equation of fair and unfair is....

Again a moving phase...

Again a moving phase...

2.5 years in one team and now moved to another...

Opputunities beckon me, they tell me "Sieze the mantle"...

I am a little confused, I am not on comfortable grounds, I am with unknown people, I am standing before my current job which looms over unknown horizons....

I struggle to understand the scope, the magnitude, the impact...

I try to measure benefits, assess team mates, judge behaviours...

I feel it is OK even if I don't fit in...

Would I gain over the work and people? Would I excel? Would I make a name for myself? Would I...

Do I seem silly to the people? Do my questions suit context and have relevance?

Will I set in and see career paths leading me to newer heights from the current level?

I am trying to fight the inertia. The static inertia I had gained with long time in a role. The static inertia that makes new people seem distant and strange. I am trying to get into a state of motion and volatility and change.

Wish me Good Luck :D

Present

Just a few words typed for a friend on a communicator window seemed to have comforted her from some known and some unknown fears...If it has comforted VR, the bestest of my chums @ work, then it ought to be on ensemble at least as a memoir to our friendship....

Keshav has a tendency to try and hold the flame of the lighted lamp...We generally light lamps in the evening...I scold and shout and all just to prevent him from getting his fingers burnt...But one day it slipped my notice and he held the flame and his fingers got lil burnt...I thought as I comforted him, "Good, at least he will remember the pain and not do it again"...

But then the next day, when I lighted the lamp he gave the same sincere hearted effort again...He is not remembering the past, so he has no judgements...the future, the burn, the pain, the scars don't bother him...it is the present that is fascinating him...in all glow and colour and brightness...it is alluring him and casting its aura on him...it is calling him to take the step that is marked by innocence, curiosity, and pure delight for all in sight and sound...becoz "he is always living in the present"...."present moment is inevitable"...

Few minutes of thought...

I am a pretty lucky girl...Inherited good parents, loving relatives and a "not bad" family set up...Did well at school, had plenty of friends, was a friend whom pals treasured and the not-so-known-people wished to be close to, got the love and blessings of teachers...Blessed enough to get good marks and good competitive exam ranks...Studied in old and famous college...Made name there...Pretty sure have positively affected the lives of many...Very sure there are quite some people who will feel indebted to me , for small gestures though...A good number who admire me and wish all the good in the world come to me...A still greater number who think of me with warmth...Got a good life partner...Spent our own lovely time together after marriage...Got settled in the true sense...Blessed with the joy of a son...

Thank you! I feel truly honoured.

This infact puts a lot of things into perspective...There are lots more to look ahead...A few sad things, hope they don't distract the overwhelming optimism with which I am trying to look at life...

Converge my energies, my gift of words, the warmth of my thoughts, the practicality of my vision, the rationale of my action, my mind, my soul, my conscience...hopefully I shape up to a plum and mature woman...

This is my silence; it seems like a loud point made…
It is a broken wall, but I feel I am not responsible for mending it…
A silent stroke, but agony is written over it …
Withered petals, drooped leaves, and a single tear that shines on my cheek…

Questions, ward off from my inquisitive mind…
Concerns, drain off from my flooded thoughts…
Agony, don’t prick me any longer…
Vengeance, I don’t want to pay any coin back….

Surging waves, splash and take off all that I want to forget…
Soothing breeze, kiss the broken area of my heart…
Keshav’s smile, embalm my spirits…
God’s hand, touch upon my soul…

Faith, help me endure struggles…
Prayer, ring the divine in my ears…
Hope, help me see the brighter side of life…
Love, understand the ones for whom it pains more than me…!

Mixed feelings

These thought trains are captured in the gap of an hour...

Dear Woe, Tell me, why do you follow me?
Haven't I been optimistic enough?
Haven't I struggled and achieved things that all thought I would never even attempt?
Haven't I "exceeded expectations and set new benchmarks"?

But still it seems that pranks are always played on me...
The smart Reshmi is always the one whose heart is going to be targeted, hit and broken...
Why did I take up so much responsibility (and that too willingly!)?
Why couldn't I be a little selfish?
Why do I ask myself all these "whys" after things flop big time?
Why do I always justify everyone else and find that finger needs to be pointed always @ me? (every time!)

I am only 25 years. Am I more mature than my age?
Am I capable of doing more than my peers?
Does being a wife and mother mean that I am a daughter any longer?

Why times change?
Why distress comes?
Why anger and revenge?
Why meanness?

Why not gratitude?
Why not regard and respect?
Why not understanding?

Sentiment is a stupid cloud that is hovering over my head now. I thought a rain of tears would do me fine. But then I forgot that this is monsoon, and "Sentiment" clouds are spreading on the sky after every rain.

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Dear Little Buds, you have blossomed. Its no longer your safe zone on the stem, nourished by the parent plant. This is your test for you are going to be a part of a bouquet. Be fresh and smart so that you make way to the finest and rarest of bouquets. You have got it in you to make a mark and secure your place and identity on the bouquet. The bouquet has to be valued and remembered for you.

I quote " Go kiss the world. Good luck and Godspeed."

The happy smiley is addressed to Punnan and Kunju as they step out to their next moves.

Back...!

It has been reaaaaalllly long time. I wonder where my expression went - It was one of the most happy and happening times in my life, but somehow I could not make time and space to capture all those to words.

Well pals (I am wondering if there is really any of you who still browse thru to find out if I have posted something!), I am back. I cannot say "back with a bang". "Bang" and Reshmi don't come together now coz Reshmi is now the proud mother of Keshav (3 months) and mothers and "bang" are ols enemies. So thatz the latest from my end. Nowadays I find my expression in the lullabies I create on a daily basis and the new chweet, slimy language in which I talk to Keshu.

Lots to write about - from Keshu to Salomi (our most recent domestic help) to the nameless young boy gardeners who spread blossoms on Sarjapur Road. Probably the best character to narrate about will be myself considering the drastic transition motherhood has brought to my feelings..

This is just a preface, will be back on this page with more...!